Have you ever noticed that when you are finally over something that wasnt good for you, that something that makes you extremely happy just so happens to appear?? I realized that the old cliche "when one door closes another opens" is true and I think I'm experiencing it.
I was holding on to something that had already let my hand go. Alot of my posts coincide with each other, and I was living in a world of denial, hoping that what I wanted to happen would even in the back of subconscious mind knew that it wouldnt. We as humans do this alot when we "love" or are "in love" with a person, object, or cause. We think that we can't love if we arent with or still attached to something. FALSE!!! Sometimes you find that your love will grow when you are apart from whatever it is because you come to appreciate it more. I always say that loving something from afar doesnt mean you dont love it, you just dont love it right in your face. Hence, I think that's where the saying "no love lost" came from.
But anyway, I closed the door to denial and the door of what I wanted opened. I was so busy allowing what I didnt want to come into my life that what I wanted had to wait outside until i realized that my atmosphere was getting suffocating. Here it was, what I've could potentially be looking for all along is right here, and because I was holding to the handle of this door to keep it open when in reality the door was trying to slam shut. Well no more holding onto doors that dont wanna stay open. Think about it this way, say you have a guest in your home that is ready to leave. Why on Earth are you gonna keep that person hostage?? They're eating up your food, sucking up your air, and using up all your hot water; while in the meantime the guest that will help you bring food in the house, take the pet out for a walk, and cook you a meal when you get home from work is standing on the other side of the door. Let the foolishness, go and let a stress-free life in.
It has taken me quite a while to realize that I have to stop looking for what I want and let it present itself to me; but that theory has a double edged sword. You have to be careful in what exactly is presenting itself. I thought the last door I was entering was a new space only to find out that it was a space filled with dirt under rugs and the same ole rooms and previous spaces I've visited. I got so caught in the decor that I didnt see that it was just a different room in the same haunted house I've been haunted by. I now walk around and look under cushions, rugs, table mats, and behind curtains. No more walking into a house and only looking at the appearance of the decor.
I have closed the door to loneliness, to have a door of the possibility of companionship to open. I have closed the door of wondering, to have a door of clear sight to open. I have closed the door of endless hoping, to have a door of endless possibilities to open. There will be no more wishing and hoping for something that I know deep down will not be. It only needs to living a life of closed doors that should be open and you having free range of entering and exiting whenever you please. This is my house and I want all my doors that should be open to be open and I have free range of which rooms I want to go in.
Have you closed a door today to have another one open???
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
It Has Been Brought to My Attention
It has been brought to my attention that I have taken my eyes off the prize. I became so focused on things that aren't reality, that I started to live in a world of fiction and denial. I had a conversation with my mom and some of my close friends about life, love, sex, money and just about everything under the sun. And in the midst of the conversation why mind was wandering to so many different aspects of my life. We all know that this blog is about relationships and everything in between; but in typing all these posts I have not taken my own words and put them into action. Sometimes it may seem that I am against love, or I don't want you to be with the person you're with because of countless mistakes they've made. That is far from what I want to accomplish. I want you, my readers, to read my posts and realize that there is so much more to love than what's on the outside or what a person is scared to reveal from past experiences. And if you love someone enough all the small things don't matter and there is a bigger picture. But definitely never lose yourself in the fight. And that's where a lot of us (including myself) suffer.
The world of denial and fiction I spoke of earlier is a world where I am told myself over and over again that "it'll be alright" "they'll come around" or "maybe if you try this, that will work to get what you want". How many times or how many things do we have to try before we realize that we're fighting a one man battle. This one man battle is against yourself as well. Here you are trying everything against your better judgement because you want something that may not be to be. I told a friend jokingly that he doesn't go with the flow. He asked what did that mean, and I told him he's always fighting against the wind. POW!! It smacked me that in that exact moment, I was too! There's was something that I experienced earlier in the weekend that really surprised and hurt me at the same time. But ultimately, it had happened before so I should not have been shocked when it happened. As much as I told myself they were joking, the reality is that I started to go to the world of denial fighting the wind and telling myself they don't mean that. When actually I shouldve just said "ok stefan, move on". Well its a new day, and its time to turn to the wind and say wind take me where you want.
Some of us fight the wind because we live life in a state of fear of the unknown. We don't know where the wind will take us so therefore we fight it only to end up exactly where the wind was taking us all along. Only missing out on experiences because our back was turned to what we were supposed to see and experience. I have turned around and am taking the wind for a ride. I will see things for what they are and let each experience teach me a new lesson about life and love.
In the journey in trying to find love, I got lost in the journey to find myself and what it is I want. Its funny to me that when 2 people start to interact with each other with a special interest, and one starts to give the other things and emotions that they haven't experienced before, that when the other person expresses themselves the other person can receive that information in so many different ways. It has been brought to my attention that sometimes its better to hold information in because that information can be a determining factor in how things play out. Just go with the flow and allow things to prosper as they may. And when they don't necessarily go as you may have wished just take it as a lesson learned and move forward. The old cliche saying let it go and if it returns it was meant to be yours is very true..
Life is about experiencing new frontiers and learning about other people but mainly learning about yourself. Never lose yourself in the search for anything other than what you know deep down in heart is what YOU really want. Not money, not love, not even lust. In the end, you can't take any of that with when your time has come and the wind as stopped blowing.
The world of denial and fiction I spoke of earlier is a world where I am told myself over and over again that "it'll be alright" "they'll come around" or "maybe if you try this, that will work to get what you want". How many times or how many things do we have to try before we realize that we're fighting a one man battle. This one man battle is against yourself as well. Here you are trying everything against your better judgement because you want something that may not be to be. I told a friend jokingly that he doesn't go with the flow. He asked what did that mean, and I told him he's always fighting against the wind. POW!! It smacked me that in that exact moment, I was too! There's was something that I experienced earlier in the weekend that really surprised and hurt me at the same time. But ultimately, it had happened before so I should not have been shocked when it happened. As much as I told myself they were joking, the reality is that I started to go to the world of denial fighting the wind and telling myself they don't mean that. When actually I shouldve just said "ok stefan, move on". Well its a new day, and its time to turn to the wind and say wind take me where you want.
Some of us fight the wind because we live life in a state of fear of the unknown. We don't know where the wind will take us so therefore we fight it only to end up exactly where the wind was taking us all along. Only missing out on experiences because our back was turned to what we were supposed to see and experience. I have turned around and am taking the wind for a ride. I will see things for what they are and let each experience teach me a new lesson about life and love.
In the journey in trying to find love, I got lost in the journey to find myself and what it is I want. Its funny to me that when 2 people start to interact with each other with a special interest, and one starts to give the other things and emotions that they haven't experienced before, that when the other person expresses themselves the other person can receive that information in so many different ways. It has been brought to my attention that sometimes its better to hold information in because that information can be a determining factor in how things play out. Just go with the flow and allow things to prosper as they may. And when they don't necessarily go as you may have wished just take it as a lesson learned and move forward. The old cliche saying let it go and if it returns it was meant to be yours is very true..
Life is about experiencing new frontiers and learning about other people but mainly learning about yourself. Never lose yourself in the search for anything other than what you know deep down in heart is what YOU really want. Not money, not love, not even lust. In the end, you can't take any of that with when your time has come and the wind as stopped blowing.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
What’s the F*#@!% Point???!!!
This question had come to me this morning after a conversation I had with a friend about something they saw a significant other post as a status on their Facebook profile. The question went something like “in life, should one choose wealth or love?” This question hit my spirit so much that I jumped out of my bed to say these exact words “make the choice for him…let him have money and you remove your love!!” I feel so adamant about that! There should never be the question of love or money, and if you have to question that then you have lost all aspects of what it is to be in a relationship and therefore, don’t need to be in one. Whats the f*$@!# point??
When you die, the money that you have or don’t have (because it belongs to the person you’re using) cannot be buried and used in heaven or hell (whichever He finds fit for you). Money has no value honestly, and will never amount to enough to buy the type of love that runs through your veins and make you happy and wanna go home and just lay around with someone who when you’re sick gives you soup, or when you’re down and out kisses you on the forehead and says “baby it’ll be ok”. That’s the type of love I crave and desire and WILL have one day. And if you think at any point I will sacrifice what I want for what you are afraid to give then,
What’s the f*#@!% point of even being in my space??
Love takes time and patience. Something else I’ve heard that always rocks my spirit is for someone to say that a partner can be too needy. What the hell is wrong with you?? Do you know how many people are out here (including myself) looking for someone that wants to spend almost every waken moment with their partner and here you have it, and basically wanna give it up because you have no other valid reason of not knowing what you want to do with yourself.
What’s the f*$@!%# point??
But I guess you’ve come so accustomed to the ridiculousness of letting men/women do what they wanna do to you and because he’s so cute or he bangs your back out when you want him to then he goes on about his business, that as soon as you get what you deserve or ultimately wanted all along you don’t know what to do with yourself and start making ultimately stupid decisions. Thus realizing that you made a stupid mistake and cant get it back because someone like me has come along and snatched that good catch. Too bad, so sad for you!
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some of you that are on the good side who cant seem to get rid of a dog. He isn’t working, isn’t looking for a job and sucking up your air, and eating up all your damn food.
What’s the f*$@!#^ point??
Now you’re stressed, tired and taking care of some other’s women child. Buying shit you don’t normally buy for yourself, and all because of what?? The sex?? The money?? Cuz he got a cute smile?? Chile bye, you can smile at yourself, make yourself cum, and surely make your own money and buy yourself all the gifts in the world. I’ve heard, I don’t feel like all the drama it’s gone take for me to put him out. Ohhhh, so you wanna sit around and be miserable cuz you don’t want him (who doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of) to put a hole in the wall or bust out a window? Well then you deserve everything he’s doing to you, because of the mere fact that you are ALLOWING him to do so.
I always say KARMA is a good friend of mine and she always comes on time. I can call her at any point and say “Karma, go get him/her” and she replies “baby I got you just as soon as the time is right”. See Karma is the type of good friend that she’ll even get me if I get too grand. That’s the type of friend I need, and she’s always there, so….
What’s the f*#@!$& point??
What’s the point in stressing over something I don’t have any control over?? It isnt’ gonna change, because you can’t change it once it has already happened.
I had a short but very interesting conversation with someone I am very interested in recently about time vs. patience. And I asked the question “is it that we don’t have enough time or are people just too impatient?” It then dawned on me how connected we were because his response was exactly what I felt. People become impatient because they don’t have enough time to accomplish everything they want in a day’s period. Thus, becoming stressed trying to control the uncontrollables of life, instead of changing themselves to control what can be controlled.
What’s the F*#@!$& point??
Stop expecting things to come to you, and be the way you want it to. Change what can be changed in you whether it’s fear, doubt, or just plain ole uncertainty and control what the situation could be so that things that are in your reach can be altered to the way you want it to go. Stop complaining!!
What’s the f*#@!$& point??
Now I definitely have to take heed to my own advice when it comes to that because there is something that is so much in my reach that I haven’t even started to extend my hand out to grasp for it. Therefore, I don’t complain because it is my fault, and something that I promise to change so that I can have what I want. You don’t go to work just because you have to (80% of the time you do) but the other 20% is so that you can do some of the things you want to do. So why not take that 20% and use it to the advantage of being happy and blissful when you aren’t doing the other 80.
But the people on the other end of the spectrum, stop using that to your advantage and a power move to complain about how a person doesn’t care. You know they care but it may be out of their reach right now of some of the things that want and crave to do and show you how much they really care. Using silence and mind games isn’t the correct way to go about the situation.
What’s the f*@!#$& point??
All that causes is resentment and tension that’s unnecessary and pointless. Communication is the road to all roads traveled in peace. If two people can’t talk to each other and find out all information that they need or want to know then there’s something wrong with the picture. A lot of times people in these relationships don’t even know the person they are dealing with, therefore causing them to second guess who they are, then stupid mistakes and decision like I’ve discussed earlier start to happen.
Stop getting into these fly by night relationships if you aren’t gonna take the appropriate sacrifices, and do the hard work to keep it fresh and exciting. Also, these “breaks” that you all are taking are for teenagers. Breaks are only 50% breakups!! If you wanna take a break from me, then go on bout your business. Because in that break I will NOT change who I am for you to decide what you wanna do. I will remain who I am, and when you return you will still have the same issues you had before. I am 100% me, and can only be me and you have to decide if you want all or nothing. Because in the end if you don’t…..
What’s the F*@!#$& point??
When you die, the money that you have or don’t have (because it belongs to the person you’re using) cannot be buried and used in heaven or hell (whichever He finds fit for you). Money has no value honestly, and will never amount to enough to buy the type of love that runs through your veins and make you happy and wanna go home and just lay around with someone who when you’re sick gives you soup, or when you’re down and out kisses you on the forehead and says “baby it’ll be ok”. That’s the type of love I crave and desire and WILL have one day. And if you think at any point I will sacrifice what I want for what you are afraid to give then,
What’s the f*#@!% point of even being in my space??
Love takes time and patience. Something else I’ve heard that always rocks my spirit is for someone to say that a partner can be too needy. What the hell is wrong with you?? Do you know how many people are out here (including myself) looking for someone that wants to spend almost every waken moment with their partner and here you have it, and basically wanna give it up because you have no other valid reason of not knowing what you want to do with yourself.
What’s the f*$@!%# point??
But I guess you’ve come so accustomed to the ridiculousness of letting men/women do what they wanna do to you and because he’s so cute or he bangs your back out when you want him to then he goes on about his business, that as soon as you get what you deserve or ultimately wanted all along you don’t know what to do with yourself and start making ultimately stupid decisions. Thus realizing that you made a stupid mistake and cant get it back because someone like me has come along and snatched that good catch. Too bad, so sad for you!
Now don’t get me wrong, there are some of you that are on the good side who cant seem to get rid of a dog. He isn’t working, isn’t looking for a job and sucking up your air, and eating up all your damn food.
What’s the f*$@!#^ point??
Now you’re stressed, tired and taking care of some other’s women child. Buying shit you don’t normally buy for yourself, and all because of what?? The sex?? The money?? Cuz he got a cute smile?? Chile bye, you can smile at yourself, make yourself cum, and surely make your own money and buy yourself all the gifts in the world. I’ve heard, I don’t feel like all the drama it’s gone take for me to put him out. Ohhhh, so you wanna sit around and be miserable cuz you don’t want him (who doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of) to put a hole in the wall or bust out a window? Well then you deserve everything he’s doing to you, because of the mere fact that you are ALLOWING him to do so.
I always say KARMA is a good friend of mine and she always comes on time. I can call her at any point and say “Karma, go get him/her” and she replies “baby I got you just as soon as the time is right”. See Karma is the type of good friend that she’ll even get me if I get too grand. That’s the type of friend I need, and she’s always there, so….
What’s the f*#@!$& point??
What’s the point in stressing over something I don’t have any control over?? It isnt’ gonna change, because you can’t change it once it has already happened.
I had a short but very interesting conversation with someone I am very interested in recently about time vs. patience. And I asked the question “is it that we don’t have enough time or are people just too impatient?” It then dawned on me how connected we were because his response was exactly what I felt. People become impatient because they don’t have enough time to accomplish everything they want in a day’s period. Thus, becoming stressed trying to control the uncontrollables of life, instead of changing themselves to control what can be controlled.
What’s the F*#@!$& point??
Stop expecting things to come to you, and be the way you want it to. Change what can be changed in you whether it’s fear, doubt, or just plain ole uncertainty and control what the situation could be so that things that are in your reach can be altered to the way you want it to go. Stop complaining!!
What’s the f*#@!$& point??
Now I definitely have to take heed to my own advice when it comes to that because there is something that is so much in my reach that I haven’t even started to extend my hand out to grasp for it. Therefore, I don’t complain because it is my fault, and something that I promise to change so that I can have what I want. You don’t go to work just because you have to (80% of the time you do) but the other 20% is so that you can do some of the things you want to do. So why not take that 20% and use it to the advantage of being happy and blissful when you aren’t doing the other 80.
But the people on the other end of the spectrum, stop using that to your advantage and a power move to complain about how a person doesn’t care. You know they care but it may be out of their reach right now of some of the things that want and crave to do and show you how much they really care. Using silence and mind games isn’t the correct way to go about the situation.
What’s the f*@!#$& point??
All that causes is resentment and tension that’s unnecessary and pointless. Communication is the road to all roads traveled in peace. If two people can’t talk to each other and find out all information that they need or want to know then there’s something wrong with the picture. A lot of times people in these relationships don’t even know the person they are dealing with, therefore causing them to second guess who they are, then stupid mistakes and decision like I’ve discussed earlier start to happen.
Stop getting into these fly by night relationships if you aren’t gonna take the appropriate sacrifices, and do the hard work to keep it fresh and exciting. Also, these “breaks” that you all are taking are for teenagers. Breaks are only 50% breakups!! If you wanna take a break from me, then go on bout your business. Because in that break I will NOT change who I am for you to decide what you wanna do. I will remain who I am, and when you return you will still have the same issues you had before. I am 100% me, and can only be me and you have to decide if you want all or nothing. Because in the end if you don’t…..
What’s the F*@!#$& point??
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Worlds Crossed
we met in world of screennames and profile pics...
but never in a world where the touch could be real...
or so i thought...
would you be the one to make me know what it is to feel??
you never knew i would check your status or follow where you were..
I got a kick out of being your secret love interest..
but come to find out you were mine too...
and damn i thought i was the best...
you surprised me by having exactly what i had
a crush
but wait
why didnt you say something earlier..
you could have had me hours, days, months ago
but hey everyone has their own time..
momma always said patience was a virtue...
you were great
and i thought to myself hey maybe your dreams can come true...
time was spent...
and so were feelings...
feelings that i hadnt felt in a long time..
feelings i thought i could never feel..
you bought them out
then something changed...
these feelings put me in a world that was so different from yours
a world where everything moved so fast and you forget reality..
now love or what i thought had engulfed my space helmet...
the love i thought was actuality...
was only a curse for something else...
worlds crossed and we got lost in orbit...
i couldnt breathe cuz you werent in my atmosphere...
your oxygen mixed with my carbon monoxide gave me what i needed to live..
now you were taking it away and I was suffocating like the song.
i needed and craved your touch your kiss just your presence..
but i couldnt reach your orbit because my gravity was pulling me away
you found a way to rocket yourself but into my world...
but everytime you do its like a meteor landing...
sending my nerves into shock and i have to start all over...
why dont you just stay instead of all these independence days..
yeah like Will..
i will fight til there's peace on earth...
but you have to stay...
when our worlds cross there's harmony in the galaxy
but for some reason you like to land on my planet
then take off to another..
im starting to believe that your alienatic behavior is a front..
a front for something better for us to come..
one day you'll land and never leave...
the worlds will cross and i will have a foreign love...
not foreign like another country..but foreign..
the exact meaning..
something unknown or different from the normal..
but im not normal...
so this i love...you i love...
so let the worlds cross and we cause a cosmic burst...
but never in a world where the touch could be real...
or so i thought...
would you be the one to make me know what it is to feel??
you never knew i would check your status or follow where you were..
I got a kick out of being your secret love interest..
but come to find out you were mine too...
and damn i thought i was the best...
you surprised me by having exactly what i had
a crush
but wait
why didnt you say something earlier..
you could have had me hours, days, months ago
but hey everyone has their own time..
momma always said patience was a virtue...
you were great
and i thought to myself hey maybe your dreams can come true...
time was spent...
and so were feelings...
feelings that i hadnt felt in a long time..
feelings i thought i could never feel..
you bought them out
then something changed...
these feelings put me in a world that was so different from yours
a world where everything moved so fast and you forget reality..
now love or what i thought had engulfed my space helmet...
the love i thought was actuality...
was only a curse for something else...
worlds crossed and we got lost in orbit...
i couldnt breathe cuz you werent in my atmosphere...
your oxygen mixed with my carbon monoxide gave me what i needed to live..
now you were taking it away and I was suffocating like the song.
i needed and craved your touch your kiss just your presence..
but i couldnt reach your orbit because my gravity was pulling me away
you found a way to rocket yourself but into my world...
but everytime you do its like a meteor landing...
sending my nerves into shock and i have to start all over...
why dont you just stay instead of all these independence days..
yeah like Will..
i will fight til there's peace on earth...
but you have to stay...
when our worlds cross there's harmony in the galaxy
but for some reason you like to land on my planet
then take off to another..
im starting to believe that your alienatic behavior is a front..
a front for something better for us to come..
one day you'll land and never leave...
the worlds will cross and i will have a foreign love...
not foreign like another country..but foreign..
the exact meaning..
something unknown or different from the normal..
but im not normal...
so this i love...you i love...
so let the worlds cross and we cause a cosmic burst...
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