You know it baffles me how the old saying goes "forgive those who hurt you for you hold the burden more than they". There are so many feelings I have towards this, but the major feeling that pokes at me is how many times are you to forgive someone you're in a relationship with???
I tell people all the time because I strongly believe this...forgive is better for the other person because subconsciously they feel they have gotten away with whatever wrong doing they have committed. Now I am not against forgiveness but what do you, the forgiver, get in return?? A peace of mind?? Hell, they isn't always enough! I don't condone revenge or tit for tat but they didn't something I didn't like, why should I say "ok I forgive just don't let it happen again" and move on? Yes, they may be sorry and sincerely apologetic but what is the real consequence?
I speak to a lot of my friends about their relationships and almost 85% of them have been wronged over and over and yet they forgive, and most of the time still harbor ill feelings toward the situation. This is because they aren't over it. When someone you genuinely care about or love does something that hurts you or gets under your skin, forgiveness may help but until you make them feel as uncomfortable as you feel, it will continue to happen. That's the subconscious "I got away with it" I speak of. In their mind, if you talk about it for 5 to 10 minutes, say you're over or move on without feeling better, they aren't gonna bring it up anymore. And 9 times out of time are gonna push the boundaries further. This doesn't just go for infidelity, but neglect, non-communication, selfishness, and lack of attention are included as well. In most cases those hurt more than cheating. I'll talk about that another time.
So what exactly does forgiveness do?? It only appeases a situation, NOT heal the situation. A situation isn't healed in my opinion until the person at fault gets in a position where they fully and totally feel the pain or uneasy feelings they put the other person in. They need to be shown that it just won't be "I forgive you, don't let it happen again" and the subject is changed and life is normal again. That only places resentment and a loss of trust in the relationship and its never the same. The jokes become less and less funnier, the hugs get softer and softer, and the person starts to look different.
Forgiveness is only a band-aid for the scar but where's the healing ointment??
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
What Do I Want You Ask????
Honestly I don't even know anymore! In growing up you learn or are taught that everyone has a "type"......attractive, smart, makes good, money, big house, nice car, so on and so on. So we spend most of our entire lives subconsciously searching for what only about 3 percent of the population actually gets. In the meantime, we get broken-hearted, taken advantage of, strung along, or just live a life of consistent dating. And consistent dating is a whole nother topic. So why are we taught to have a type when we don't even know what we want.
But back to not knowing what I want anymore, in the past two to three years I have probably dated, conversed with, slept with, hung out with some of the most diverse men nature has created. And personally none of them are what I actually want. Now yes if I found a magical machine that could combine all of them, yes he would be the perfect man; but the is reality so he doesn't exist. I say all the time men don't know what they want, and I am gonna be a strong believer in that philosophy until I die. Men crave what they can conquer, and that's why every person they date is completely different. I can count on one had the number of men I know who date or get into relationships with the same "type" of person. All the rest of you go from person to person trying to find what you want. Only leaving the one that was meant for you behind because you couldn't conquer the feelings.
A lot of men are afraid to love because they think they lose control. Control of their feelings, control of the situation, and control of not doing what the hell they wanna do.....which in most cases is get all the good feelings out the way before the bad ones arrive. Men don't like ups and downs! When the downs come they have to find a reason to escape instead of facing them head on. Then again on the other hand, you have some men who only want the downs because they last time they felt all good, they got hurt. So God forbid they have those good feelings again.
Now I know I have female readers, but I don't date women so I can't commit lol...but I know my ladies understand where I'm coming from. I don't know what I want anymore because men have taken what I wanted and turned into fondue, and I have to pick and pick what I want out of it. Why not just be yourself and not let society give you an idea of what you want. Television is the most elusive stereotype provider known to man. Be a leader and don't let what you see make you start believing that those possibilities are reality.
So the next time someone asked you what you want...be honest and say "I don't know...I'm still trying to figure that out"! I bet that sparks an interesting conversation.
But back to not knowing what I want anymore, in the past two to three years I have probably dated, conversed with, slept with, hung out with some of the most diverse men nature has created. And personally none of them are what I actually want. Now yes if I found a magical machine that could combine all of them, yes he would be the perfect man; but the is reality so he doesn't exist. I say all the time men don't know what they want, and I am gonna be a strong believer in that philosophy until I die. Men crave what they can conquer, and that's why every person they date is completely different. I can count on one had the number of men I know who date or get into relationships with the same "type" of person. All the rest of you go from person to person trying to find what you want. Only leaving the one that was meant for you behind because you couldn't conquer the feelings.
A lot of men are afraid to love because they think they lose control. Control of their feelings, control of the situation, and control of not doing what the hell they wanna do.....which in most cases is get all the good feelings out the way before the bad ones arrive. Men don't like ups and downs! When the downs come they have to find a reason to escape instead of facing them head on. Then again on the other hand, you have some men who only want the downs because they last time they felt all good, they got hurt. So God forbid they have those good feelings again.
Now I know I have female readers, but I don't date women so I can't commit lol...but I know my ladies understand where I'm coming from. I don't know what I want anymore because men have taken what I wanted and turned into fondue, and I have to pick and pick what I want out of it. Why not just be yourself and not let society give you an idea of what you want. Television is the most elusive stereotype provider known to man. Be a leader and don't let what you see make you start believing that those possibilities are reality.
So the next time someone asked you what you want...be honest and say "I don't know...I'm still trying to figure that out"! I bet that sparks an interesting conversation.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Reality v. Possibility (The Struggle of Letting Go)
Have you ever realized that your heart is holding is onto something your brain wants to let go?? But what exactly are you holding on to?? I'll tell you....POSSIBILTY! 1. The possibility that the odds will change and you end up getting what you want. 2. The possibility that all you wished would come true.. And 3 the possibility of happily ever after!! But hell, this is life and almost nothing you hope, wish, or dream actually comes to fruition (unless you have magical potions in your cupboard). So why not just let go and live in reality??
In reality we realize that are things that we don't want to face. The most important part of realize and reality is the word REAL...when you become real with yourself and others about a situation, you find that everything lines up the way it supposed to. You cannot go thru life or relationships not being real. These falsehoods only make your vision cloudy, and your decisions are foolish. Being real in a situation takes an open eye and straightforward approach. Don't be subjective...but objective. Understand that the outcome that you are trying to reach is best for both parties not just yourself.
In any relationship, there are two or more people. How can you expect to get something when you aren't giving anything? Not only is that selfish, but you really are gonna end up with the short end of the stick. Therefore, you still end up unhappy. Reality is you don't wanna give up something because you haven't had to. You've either had people who let you do what you want without contest, or you're afraid of feeling good feelings that you teach yourself how not to give 100%. In my reality, you (if you are that person) need to be by yourself, because no one wants someone who's only for themself. Why even portray you want more when deep down inside, you want to lead people into the land of possibility!
On the other end, those of us who can't let go have to find it somewhere deep within and find reality. They are never gonna change, they only keep coming back because we let them. So how do you can't the string. You ultimately can't! Now I know that sounds a bit ludacris but think about it, if you could don't you think you would have already. There's nothing wrong with loving, caring, or thinking about a person; just understand that the reality is that most of the time they aren't used to or capable of handling what we have to give. Remember fear comes from unknown and when we are scared or don't know what to do with the emotions that hit us we flee. Its human nature. Don't get angry, don't seek revenge! Just take it day by day and allow nature to take its course; which most of the time requires dreams, ill feelings, yearning, desire, and quality time of the other person. All you have to do is continue being yourself and show them that you care. Give them the information, and let them decide what they want to do with. No, you aren't giving them power of you, you are just expressing your feelings and letting go!
In reality, letting go doesn't mean forgetting or having nothing to do with them, it means relinquishing built up feelings so that they don't send you into a state of emotionless or depression. Because in these states, you become that person and do it to other people....thus only landing yourself in the land of possibility.
I choose REALITY!
In reality we realize that are things that we don't want to face. The most important part of realize and reality is the word REAL...when you become real with yourself and others about a situation, you find that everything lines up the way it supposed to. You cannot go thru life or relationships not being real. These falsehoods only make your vision cloudy, and your decisions are foolish. Being real in a situation takes an open eye and straightforward approach. Don't be subjective...but objective. Understand that the outcome that you are trying to reach is best for both parties not just yourself.
In any relationship, there are two or more people. How can you expect to get something when you aren't giving anything? Not only is that selfish, but you really are gonna end up with the short end of the stick. Therefore, you still end up unhappy. Reality is you don't wanna give up something because you haven't had to. You've either had people who let you do what you want without contest, or you're afraid of feeling good feelings that you teach yourself how not to give 100%. In my reality, you (if you are that person) need to be by yourself, because no one wants someone who's only for themself. Why even portray you want more when deep down inside, you want to lead people into the land of possibility!
On the other end, those of us who can't let go have to find it somewhere deep within and find reality. They are never gonna change, they only keep coming back because we let them. So how do you can't the string. You ultimately can't! Now I know that sounds a bit ludacris but think about it, if you could don't you think you would have already. There's nothing wrong with loving, caring, or thinking about a person; just understand that the reality is that most of the time they aren't used to or capable of handling what we have to give. Remember fear comes from unknown and when we are scared or don't know what to do with the emotions that hit us we flee. Its human nature. Don't get angry, don't seek revenge! Just take it day by day and allow nature to take its course; which most of the time requires dreams, ill feelings, yearning, desire, and quality time of the other person. All you have to do is continue being yourself and show them that you care. Give them the information, and let them decide what they want to do with. No, you aren't giving them power of you, you are just expressing your feelings and letting go!
In reality, letting go doesn't mean forgetting or having nothing to do with them, it means relinquishing built up feelings so that they don't send you into a state of emotionless or depression. Because in these states, you become that person and do it to other people....thus only landing yourself in the land of possibility.
I choose REALITY!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Relationship Immaturity.....
Maturity is defined as the state of being fully developed. Now what leads up to maturity is my question... Is it the experiences or things taught to you that make you mature?? Is it what your friends and family tell you what you should or shouldn't do?? What you read in books? Honestly its all these things, without it you would still be in the mindset of a 2 year old toddler.
I feel this goes for relationships as well, people need to be mature in handling situations of a relationship. There are a lot of people out here who wanna be in relationships that are relationally immature, and from that they either break a lot of hearts or continually get their heart broken. These "heartbreakers" I feel are the ones that are the most immature because they are dealing with a lot of fear. Fear is something that comes from a lot of unknown or uncertainty of the future. Now granted beng unsure of what's to come happens to us all, I guess I'm just more adventurous and am willing to step into the unknown and see what happens. "Heartbreakers" get to a certain point, reach the unknown and wanna run. Therefore leading to the second person...."the brokenhearted". These are the individuals (like myself) are open and communicative, show and tell everything that they feel and wear their hearts on their sleeve. These people are immature in taking the lessons learned and using them to their advantage or personal growth. Thus falling into the same thing over and over.
A major step in becoming mature enough for relationships is communication. Both parties learn so much from each other (good and bad) through speaking what's on your mind. People are afraid to say what's on their minds for two reasons....either they don't know how to convey they feelings which leads to misleading thoughts (one of my past posts) and strain on the relationship. The other reason would be they don't wanna stir up emotions whether good or bad. Neither of these approaches work in a relationship because one of the parties is unaware of the others feeling so then neither person can really give 100%. Say how you feel, come to a compromise and really do what is said because as the old cliche goes.... Actions speak louder than words.
I spoke about compromise in the first step, compromise is listening and coming to a common ground that will not only be good for both parties, but will help the relationship grow. In compromising both parties have to be willing to sacrifice something. Sacrificial decisions are often hard because you give up something that you have come accustomed to when by yourself, but when someone else is now in this with you that things has to become something secondary. It was brought to my attention by a friend that Carrie (Sex and the City) gave up smoking for Aiden. That was a sacrificial decision. Sacrificing does NOT mean losing yourself, but altering decisions you make for the betterment of your relationship. Sacrificing and compromising go hand in hand.
Being relationship mature doesn't come overnite and there will be many challenges along the way. But being relationship immaturity is draining and doesn't get anywhere. If you care for someone tell them....if you want to be with someone, be with them and take it day by day. Its a learning experience don't rush and be open to everything that you learn. Don't be afraid to love, love hard and love whole-heartedly, and let it take you to places you've never been. Grow and be mature and you will find love will return the favor.
I feel this goes for relationships as well, people need to be mature in handling situations of a relationship. There are a lot of people out here who wanna be in relationships that are relationally immature, and from that they either break a lot of hearts or continually get their heart broken. These "heartbreakers" I feel are the ones that are the most immature because they are dealing with a lot of fear. Fear is something that comes from a lot of unknown or uncertainty of the future. Now granted beng unsure of what's to come happens to us all, I guess I'm just more adventurous and am willing to step into the unknown and see what happens. "Heartbreakers" get to a certain point, reach the unknown and wanna run. Therefore leading to the second person...."the brokenhearted". These are the individuals (like myself) are open and communicative, show and tell everything that they feel and wear their hearts on their sleeve. These people are immature in taking the lessons learned and using them to their advantage or personal growth. Thus falling into the same thing over and over.
A major step in becoming mature enough for relationships is communication. Both parties learn so much from each other (good and bad) through speaking what's on your mind. People are afraid to say what's on their minds for two reasons....either they don't know how to convey they feelings which leads to misleading thoughts (one of my past posts) and strain on the relationship. The other reason would be they don't wanna stir up emotions whether good or bad. Neither of these approaches work in a relationship because one of the parties is unaware of the others feeling so then neither person can really give 100%. Say how you feel, come to a compromise and really do what is said because as the old cliche goes.... Actions speak louder than words.
I spoke about compromise in the first step, compromise is listening and coming to a common ground that will not only be good for both parties, but will help the relationship grow. In compromising both parties have to be willing to sacrifice something. Sacrificial decisions are often hard because you give up something that you have come accustomed to when by yourself, but when someone else is now in this with you that things has to become something secondary. It was brought to my attention by a friend that Carrie (Sex and the City) gave up smoking for Aiden. That was a sacrificial decision. Sacrificing does NOT mean losing yourself, but altering decisions you make for the betterment of your relationship. Sacrificing and compromising go hand in hand.
Being relationship mature doesn't come overnite and there will be many challenges along the way. But being relationship immaturity is draining and doesn't get anywhere. If you care for someone tell them....if you want to be with someone, be with them and take it day by day. Its a learning experience don't rush and be open to everything that you learn. Don't be afraid to love, love hard and love whole-heartedly, and let it take you to places you've never been. Grow and be mature and you will find love will return the favor.
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